On Romantic Illusions – Part 1

Your naked body should only belong to those who fall in love with your naked soul.

~ Charlie Chaplin in a letter to his daughter, Geraldine

 It so happened that during my e-walks I stumbled upon this quote and I felt quite akward till hair-raising. It seems very innocent and cute; nothing wrong with it, right? Me being a crabbed person who overanalyzes things might be a more possible scenario, some of you might think. I’m really sorry though that things aren’t like this, since I don’t consider myself a masochist to want to ruin my mood with every little thing. 

I believe that the more suspicious and open-minded know that quotes with ‘must’ encapsule an ideology and one somewhat absolute most of the times. The cynicists will say that deontology has nothing to do with reality. Things become clearly problematic, when someone has the context of the message in mind.

Every message has a sender and a receiver, data which give a certain meaning each time to the message. The phrase “Give me the mouse!” has a different meaning between two IT technicians and another between biologists. The same goes for the phrase “You are such a baby!”; it has a totally different meaning between a mother and her new-born, and between a -vulgar- man on the street and a woman. Here, the sender is a man of older age, who as a father has a power position towards his daughter. Fundamentally, he dictates her sexual life and her choices; a case of mansplaining one could argue. It would be nice if the domination of men stopped expanding in the lives of women, much more being passed as something legit and romantic and being further forwarded.

Also, every woman (I remind you that women are human beings with the same rights as men and all the rest- or that is how it would be in a better world) has the right to give her body to whomever she wants without this meaning that she degrades or soils it. Her body belongs to her and nobody else. If she chooses a steady partner or will go out with someone/ other people for sex has nothing to do with her value as an individual and it’s something obviously personal. As long as there’s respect and health precautions are taken, she doesn’t harm herself either.

For whomever tries to make an argument with the pretext of parental or friendly love to give advice, please reconsider if and how much the other party is in need of this advice and if (s)he wants to hear it or perhaps the ‘more experienced’ shows off his/her experience/ knowledge, even unintentionally. Healthy relationships aren’t based on implicit agreements and societal expectations/ myths, but on positively knowing where each other stands. Let’s close with a song.

Translation:

I don’t analyze it further
the issue that burns me.
It’s no one’s fault
I take it all on myself.

Take me only out for coffee
to take a bit of air.
It’s like I took a bullet
and I can’t stand up…

Company I ask only of you
I don’t want to discuss it.
I don’t want analyses;
don’t look for solutions.

Discrete company
like you’re not even there.
If you want to speak
do it before you roll…

Like it never happened…
Let’s talk about the weather.
The solution we won’t find,
no matter how much you want it…

Only take me out for a drink;
Introduce me to your acquaintances.
And for yourself
Keep every advice…

Refrain

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11 thoughts on “On Romantic Illusions – Part 1

  1. Hey, nice blog you got there. 😀

    So, a while ago i read an article about someone who had a friend that only had casual sex with rich guys (not actually for a relationship). Initially, i was opposing that idea, but as i reflected upon it, i said “Well, there’s nothing wrong with it.”. But something still bugged me, telling me that it was wrong.

    I won’t be a hypocrite, it still bugs me to this day but i’ve managed to control it. The point is, even though many men change their minds, it’s difficult to almost everyone of them to accept it fully. As Chris said above, we are pressured to have sex with every girl and women possible, and, as the women, we are made to believe that man can have a fully open sex life, and they don’t. To change this idea that goes way back when you are just a kid it’s hard, you know?

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    • Thanks for the compliment! We try our best!

      I’ll urge you to think it another way: can you do it? Can you sleep just for the money? I know I can’t, so I’m gonna give credit to the person who can. As far as there is a clear understanding of what is the deal between two consenting adults, it’s fine. If someone takes advantage of the other party, it’s not that fine; but again I can’t say the other party doesn’t bear any responsibility if (s)he works with asssumptions and finds him/herself fooled afterwards. Relationships aren’t about mystery and pink fairy dust. And yes, it’s hard to change deeply engraved beliefs, but it’s not impossible.

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  2. “. If she chooses a steady partner or will go out with someone/ other people for sex has nothing to do with her value as an individual ”

    Must be nice living in a fantasy world…

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    • You’ll have noticed that I didn’t approve of your question to Barbara. It’s another thing spitting vice towards me, which I can handle, but I won’t allow to be rude to my followers; if you are going to continue having such an attitude in the future, know that you’re not welcome here and I’ll report you as spam.

      I think I was clear enough that this is my stance and how a decent human being would see things. Obviously there’s a long way till we overturn the tables dramatically.

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  3. From the male perspective there is pressure to have sex with as many women as possible. I decided to wait until I am in a committed, long term relationship. It makes me strange in the eyes of many men and women considering my age. I feel almost zero sexual attraction unless I’ve been friends with a girl for a long time: years normally. It is just the way I am wired. It makes it difficult to understand other types of sexuality . As you point out, everyone is different. There are cultural standards forced upon both genders.

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    • I didn’t address the male perspective because of the quote which was directed from a man to a woman. I didn’t want to leave out men. Plus I am a woman so things are a bit more from my perspective. And let’s not forget that romance is forced upon women, not men. The cultural standards you mentioned. But I’ll try more to incorporate both POV next time 🙂

      I understand you a lot, believe me. It’s very rare for me as well, to see someone and just want to get laid with him/her. And part of that has to do with the fact that as I grow up I realize more and more how important certain things are for me, like being sure the other party respects me so I can feel safe. And when we talk about steady relationships I need to share some common interests and opinions.

      But yes, what works for you, doesn’t work for others. It’s unthinkable for me that I’d ever be in a totally sexless relationship, but that’s how asexuals work. Everything is ok as long as no one is harmed and it’s functional for the couple. The others can get the middle finger.

      You start understanding other people by talking to them, reading their true stories, by being exposed to documentaries, books and similar material. For starters, you can take a look on our Index> Library> Sexuality & LGTQ

      Thanks for commenting~

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      • Yes, reading and speaking with people helps you understand them. There are limits because each of us have different experiences. We all see the color red a little differently.

        You are right: romance among other things is forced on women. Women in western culture are still receivers of sex rather than initiators. This is slowly changing.

        You touch on double standards in societal views of sexuality that we need to discuss more often. I hope to see more posts like this.

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      • > And let’s not forget that romance is forced upon women, not men

        In what possible way can that be a true statement in this world ? Did i miss the switch over, when suddenly its all the men who are dragging their mistresses to the chapels ?

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        • First of all, it would be nice to drop the irony. I get what you say, but you miss the point. I haven’t heard many parents advice and praise their sons to take out their girlfriends in beautiful gardens or idyllic walks in the sunset or to make sure to be very gentle when kissing the first and only girlfriend. It’s the daughters who are brought up to be cute little dolls and wives who will be kissed by a prince and they’ll find eternal love and similar non-sense.

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  4. It’s a little creepy coming from a father to his daughter, but I think it’s excellent advice. To experience your own sexuality in the best way, share it with someone who loves you completely. There’s nothing so wonderful about casual sex. I’ve had casual sex and sex with a beloved partner, and having sex with someone you can really bare yourself to is much more fulfilling than the other kind. It’s a soul-expanding experience, which casual sex is not.

    I really would like to hear what Geraldine had to say about that exchange. I think her response to her father’s advice would be interesting to hear.

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    • That ‘should’ part is wrong. Perhaps you and me enjoy sex with a committed partner more and it has logic, but there’s no should in it and surely it’s not the same for every girl/woman. We can’t generalize our experience is what I wanna say. Women have sexual urges, too, and may want to just jump someone, even if that sounds extraordinary because we are brought up otherwise. When someone else, outside of you, sets ‘rules’ it’s greatly problematic. Plus it kinda implies that casual sex makes you less, since only certain people ‘deserve’ your body…

      I don’t think girls at the time had the courage or the comfort to talk back or about such things, but surely it’d be interesting to have such an answer. If the whole thing is even true, considering how internet works… I just found a great opportunity to touch on the subject.

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