Left Unsaid: 4. First Time(s)

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It’s either overestimated or underestimated, isn’t it? The infamous first time. Why plural in the title? What is your guess?

In this post, I’ll share my experience, but I won’t refer to specific names as to protect my privacy and the privacy of my partner(s). I’m willing to talk about it because I find it important for young girls/women to protect and enjoy themselves while not feeling alone in their heart troubles. I can relay only my story, which concerns heterosexual sex, but I’ll mention briefly some basic sex ed stuff for same sex couples. Boys/Men are welcome to take a peek as to see sex from a different perspective and act accordingly towards their loved ones.   

Chapter 1. Great Expectations

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You might have fantasized about devouring your partner, being utterly naughty and confident, but…

I was raised up with the preaching of how ‘good girls are careful not to fall in the eyes of their husbands’, meaning that unless my hymen was intact, I’d be (called) a slut. I was quite a nerd and a very obedient child, because the verbal abuse and the fear of physical punishment got the better of me. I kept denying my rights and the fact that I was supressed, to save myself from conflict and nausea caused by my angst. Therefore, when I started opening my eyes during my university years and rebeling, I began seeing my virginity as something to be disposed of, given the first chance. I basically transfered my hate towards my stepfather and my jealousy of other classmates to my body, which wasn’t a very good idea as it turned out. The advice/pressure of a professor of mine didn’t help either.

Due to the restrictions set by my family on me, we talked a lot through internet with that newly-found romantic interest, we got to know each other’s personality, we saw each other on camera, I thought myself falling head over heels and then the time came that we should meet face-to-face. The problem was that we were flirting audaciously online and I might as well say that I led on my partner to ‘do’ stuff when we meet. Why would that consist a problem? For one thing, I should have been more careful with a ‘stranger’, but his own vulnerable personality had put me at ease. Secondly and more importantly, I didn’t calculate the factor appearance, which actually plays quite the role to attraction and thus your mood to get it on…

So, when we saw each other in 3D without the camera’s interference, I wasn’t sure if I still wanted to do ecchi stuff. He was the voice I’ve heard, the person I knew, he was handsome, but there was something that didn’t click perfectly. He was cute, gentle and a bit shy himself, and he hugged me and kissed me, but the kiss wasn’t what I thought it would be. And since I had dragged him all the way to ‘my’ place, had talked about sex, had wanted to discard my virginity, and he was utterly tender and romantic, I couldn’t bring myself to say ‘no’. Exposing your naked body to someone other than your mother (even sister) is a big thing- I was exposed to someone else’s gaze and a totally different gaze at that. My heart raced and I even tried distructing myself by looking at the ceiling.

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There’s a feeling of helplessness in trying to cover up your naked body…

Fortunately, I was on period, thus we didn’t go further than akward fingering and oral sex on him. Yet I was uncomfortable and in the beginning a bit scared. The atmosphere easened up later when he undressed, too, and he was clumsy and obviously anxious about my opinion of his naked body. Since at that point I hadn’t seen a man naked before, being asked if I got what I expected, it was kinda funny- I didn’t have expectations about this. It was also funny how we didn’t know how to use condoms and I unded up giving head and tasting latex instead of strawberry flavor: I put it inside out… Our self-sarcasm helped us go through this fairly safely. Still, I wanted more time; I understood that, days later, when in my dreams the situation was warped and it felt (self-)forced.

I’m no conservative or a religious person- that’s no secret. Perhaps just a little sentimental.  I won’t tell anyone to wait until their wedding day to have sex, because it’s not only ridiculous but kinda dangerous for the longevity and quality of the relationship. But your first time is something special and not necessarily in a rosy-colored way. And that’s why I believe it’s better, if you go to bed with a person with whom you are romantically involved and/or whom you trust a great deal. Though it’s kinda cliché, no one should ever rush such things or feel pressure to get rid of his/her virginity. You can’t turn the clock back to undo situations and feelings, so caution is advised.

Chapter 2. The First Taste

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What she says, I’ve said as well

The next time we met and tried having sex through vaginal penetratrion was… a failure. It’s not that lubrication was missing; quite the opposite: I had plenty natural one. But my body was stubborn. It seems that at a certain point my vagina is narrower, causing me some troubles occasionally. “Hurt is a kinda mild word” indeed. My partner didn’t want to hurt me, so he didn’t insist, but I didn’t want to give up. Or to be more precise, I couldn’t accept the situation. Along with the physical pain, I got distressed due to the said ‘dysfunction’. I felt like impotent. I despaired that I couldn’t function as ‘a woman’. The fact that no blood was visible added up to my confusion and self-loathing. I had a suspicion from what I read in sex ed books and sites but only way later was I ensured by my gynecologist that I didn’t have a hymen, and that it does happen in other women, too.

In the end, the solution was found through my beautiful friend: a smooth, normal-sized dildo. I was curious for a long time about sex toys and the difficulties I faced during sex made me want to try ‘loosening that place up a bit’. Of course, it didn’t work out immediately. After some too focused efforts, I was ready to give up… and then it slipped in past the problematic point! My relief and happiness was beyond words.

That didn’t signify the end of the pain for me. I was just lying there, enduring and hoping it ends soon and praying it gets better soon. There are some phases in your life that you have to get through, I was trying to convince myself. I’m still not sure, if that’s a general truth. The only thing I knew was that when you get your firsts, whatever firsts they may be, you carry a lot of stereotypes and highly idealized dreams, and when they collide with reality, the collission isn’t pleasant. Fear and insecurity got in the mix and I started doubting my feelings towards my partner. I didn’t know how can you say you are still in love after several months, I felt the difference in excitement and I was afraid I was betraying the other person’s heart and honesty.

I was considering of giving up (penile) intercourse and probably breaking up, if I couldn’t receive any pleasure by our next meeting in a few months. I just didn’t want to suffer all alone; that would be unfair when the other party was enjoying the process. Thankfully, a relaxed atmosphere away from home, some grooming, a high bed and experimentation in positions gave me what I wished for. And oh, did it feel great! It progressed really good with time, especially when the chance to meet more often was given.

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Basics: lubrication & condoms. For our lesbian friends a dental dam is suggested.

All in all, first times are filled with lots of stress and pain on the part of the person being penetrated. The couple should get as ready as they can, meaning educate themselves a bit about their bodies, about safe sex and lubrication, and be down to earth and patient. The giving partner should show consideration for the one on the receiving end. Sex for the first time, letting yourself be entered by someone else, can be a big thing emotionally. The relationship gets more complicated and you might feel confused, but it’s ok, you’ll finally figure everything out. Experimentation can be of great help, so don’t shy away. Communication, education and time are key words.

Chapter 3. Love and other drugs

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It’s nearly… rape. If you can’t wait, you can always play alone or you can put a cock ring on. Being insensitive and a big jerk are just a breath away.

You might wonder why is there an ‘s’ at the end of this post’s title. Well, firstly, every time you are with a new lover and you get to get intimate with him/her, it’s almost like reseting the counter. I don’t mean that it throws you off  like the very first time, but the stress is there -though to a lesser degree- and you learn each other’s erotic buttons anew. That’s something logical, since there is a different combination of tastes and bodies.

Secondly, and perhaps unexpected to you, every time there’s been a pause of sexual activity within the couple, a woman’s body and flexibility slightly changes again. Moreover, it’s not only the body. When you are in a relationship for some years, you can’t constantly be madly in love or in tune with your partner. Particularly in LDR situations the body has to catch up with the mind and adjust to the soul. It’s hard to get all three synchronized. At least for me that’s how it goes. I may love my partner a lot, but I can’t be immediately in the mood for sex the moment I see him once more. I need time to find the courage, the naughtiness and the things I see in him to fall in love again.

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Penetration can be hurtful and scary, ok?

I wasn’t pushed around against my will like in the manga above, thank goodness, but it can be really troublesome if the other party, unconsciously, makes sweet moves on you repeatedly; it’s a bit hard to keep saying ‘no’ to someone you know honestly doesn’t want you to get hurt and he is usually very careful in how he treats you. Yet you should accept how your body functions, let things flow naturally and be adamant about what is allowed when you don’t feel comfy. Talk with your partner and let him/her know about your thoughts and don’t think about ‘hurting his/her feelings’, because yours shouldn’t come second either.

Enjoy yourselves, have sex and take care!

Enjoy yourselves, have sex and take care!

2 thoughts on “Left Unsaid: 4. First Time(s)

  1. I should bookmark this and use it to get some tips for when I finally lose my virginity…around 40-ish, I think. I’m sadly not as horny nor have an urge to unleash the beast within yet. If it eventually does happen before 40, great. For now, the single life is okay by me.

    Lucky you. I had a honey once and we were going strong…sadly a bit too strong. Ah well. C;est la vie. At least we-…”transmission interrupted”

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